Dear Momma,

           How can I begin to describe how grateful I am to have you?  You have supported me throughout all of these years, despite the fact that I have not been the easiest child to deal with.  Only now, since I am away on my own at college, can I sit to reflect on everything you have done for me, and all of the things I could have done for you.  However, to touch upon everything would be nearly impossible, for the moments are too numerous to recount them all.  But I’ll have you know, I remember each and every one of them.

           You carried me and helped me through the times when I needed someone the most.  Even though you were dealing with your own bouts of depression, you made time to push your own needs aside and take care of me.  I can only look back in shame at all of the difficult times I put you through.  I sit back and think of the look on your face when you discovered that I was pulling out my hair from stress.

You’re only in the fourth grade, how can you be under so much pressure from society already?

          Your eyes betrayed so much.  You were scared… and disappointed.  It tore you apart to watch as I slowly went bald, knowing that there was really nothing you could do for me.  All you could do was watch as my grades slipped, as I screamed and cried because I couldn’t start a simple paragraph, or because the kids at school didn’t understand.  You embraced me when I couldn’t find the words.  You took me to doctors and therapists, trying desperately to help me.  You searched for a cause, even though there was none.

          I watched as you broke down after my first suicide attempt.  I saw the look on your face when you visited me in the institution.  

       You’re twelfth birthday is next week, and yet you’re going to be spending it in a place like this.
      
           You watched as Dad’s family fell apart because of Nana’s death, but you were too busy indulging my selfishness to do anything.  You watched as Uncle Joey cheated on Auntie Diane, as he took me and Kevin to this woman’s house to swim.  You watched for an entire year, until you snapped.  You held me when I was told that I would never see my cousin, my best friend again.  You tolerated my words of hatred, and embraced me until it hurt.

           I watched as you juggled three children, two of which were mentally unstable.  I watched as you blamed yourself, even if it was in silence.  

           You’re fourteen years old, and you are in high school now, but will I ever see you graduate?

          You shake with anger when you rush with Dad to the hospital.  You can’t understand why I took all of those pills.

          Have I failed as a mother?

          No more than I have failed as a daughter.

          You helped me find my words again.  You encouraged me when I said I wanted to become a writer.  You tell me my writing is beautiful, and I know that you are not just saying it because you are my mother.  With a genuine smile gracing your beautiful lips, you told me that I could do anything.  

          I wish I could go back.  I wish I could have held you on those blue days you had the way you have held me all of this time.  I wish I could have been a little less selfish.  I wish that I kissed you more.

           I turn away from you after you drop me off at college.  If I see your face, I will cry.  I can feel your tears, and I run away, up to my dorm room, and cry.  I cry for you, I cry for me.  I cry for the kisses, the hugs, the tender words.  I cry for the child that is lost, and the memories that will be made without you.  I cry because you are crying, and we are one.  

          I call you every day for the first two weeks.  Then three times a week.  Once.  Every other week….

          I have doubts about staying in college.  You tell me you’ll love me no matter what.  You tell me that you trust whatever decision I make will be the right one.  You have faith in me.  When I think of you, my future is unimportant.  I know that I can follow my each and every dream.

          I want to make you proud.

          I watch your face as you open the door.  It takes you a moment to register that it is me.  You are surprised and happy, and you hug me so tight.  It was a spur of the moment decision to come home.  I am here to visit you for the weekend.  I am in college, and I am staying, but I needed to see you.

         I see your face, and I am home.

         Thank you.

         I love you.


Truly and forever yours,

                             Melanie